Re: the stupid ideas thread
Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:12 pm
This week, I had been intending to review the latest edition of "Transformers: Timelines". "Timelines" is the imprint of Fun Publications, the publishing wing Master Collector, the license holders for the "Official Transformers Collectors Club". Yeah, that is an ugly sentence. Screw you.
This year's "Timelines" special is "Shattered Glass", the "Transformers" take on the old "alternate universe of inverted morality". Given that the "inverted morality" gimmick is not know for yielding good stories, and Master Collector's less than stellar track record, this would have been easy to trash. But, none of the local shops seem to have copies. (I am working on securing a copy, but that will take at least a week or two.
Rather than rant about a bad "evil twin universe" comic, I will make up my own. To the best of my knowledge, there has not been a "GI Joe" story featuring this god-awful narrative convention. Well, here are some ideas for how to write such a thing. (Note: I feel it necessary to point out that I know the following ideas are completely and utterly retarded. I make these suggestions for the sake of humor. If anybody wants to use these ideas, then they are fucking morons.)
"Shattered Glass: GI Joe"
-Snake eyes: The noble and tragic "everyman" of "GI Joe" would become the faceless and amorphous evil that dwells in the darkest corners of our minds and hearts. Instead of losing his family to an accident and being disfigured in the line of duty, evil-SE would instead kill his family for the sake of greed and be disfigured as a result of his avarice.
-Cobra Commander: The faceless demagogue who twists the American Dream to his own ends instead becomes a populist gad-fly. He chooses to pattern himself after a cobra in order to remind himself and his followers of the danger they all face, from without and within. His inspiration and humanity are a threat to the corruption the Joes are devoted to. (I am not trying to be political here.)
-Destro and Baroness: The arms dealer becomes.....a humanitarian. Destro spent his life developing more efficient methods to harvest food and energy. He was aware of the military applications for his work, but never exploited them until his hand was forced by the Joes. Now, Destro supplies Cobra Commander with the most efficient weapons possible in the hopes of ending the war more quickly. He wears a heavy iron mask to maintain a veneer of calm when confronting problems that weigh heavily upon his heart. Destro will grudgingly admit that warfare forces mankind to advance. But, he envisions a future were humanity is free to grow and thrive because the chains of poverty and hunger have been broken. The Baroness is Destro's anchor. She passionately believes in a better future, and when Desto loses heart, he fights on for her. The Baroness knows that radical measures are often necessary, but is always restrained when others could be hurt.
Cutter: The loveable and idiosyncratic Coast Guard Joe instead becomes a vagabond thug. Cutter grew up in the middle of America, and could have lived a quiet life. But, his temper, and knife, got him in trouble with the law. Fleeing his hometown with forged documents, Cutter joined the Coast Guard, where he took a "cut" of the action from local smuggling rings. He managed to extort an bribe his way onto the Joe team, where he finds new rackets to exploit.
Major Bludd: The ferocious mercenary is now a man who fights for what is right. Bludd still demands a high fee for his services. But, he donates the proceeds to charity. While Destor and Baroness focus on providing food and shelfer, Bludd wants to ensure that there is still art and literature in the world. In addition to the epic poems and elegies he composes, Bludd funds artistic communes around the world. He has one eye, but it is a keen and sensitive eye indeed. He carries the dog tags of loyal and brave friends killed by the Joes. He can never write a poem sad enough to memorialize those brave souls. (The original Major Bludd wore the dog tags or the men he killed.)
Okay, look, I could do this all day. You get the idea. This type of story only works as idiotic self-parody, intentionally or otherwise. Given the temperment and humours of the Joe fandom, I doubt the above story will ever happen. (I hope.)
Dom
-hopes Master Collector is not reading this.
This year's "Timelines" special is "Shattered Glass", the "Transformers" take on the old "alternate universe of inverted morality". Given that the "inverted morality" gimmick is not know for yielding good stories, and Master Collector's less than stellar track record, this would have been easy to trash. But, none of the local shops seem to have copies. (I am working on securing a copy, but that will take at least a week or two.
Rather than rant about a bad "evil twin universe" comic, I will make up my own. To the best of my knowledge, there has not been a "GI Joe" story featuring this god-awful narrative convention. Well, here are some ideas for how to write such a thing. (Note: I feel it necessary to point out that I know the following ideas are completely and utterly retarded. I make these suggestions for the sake of humor. If anybody wants to use these ideas, then they are fucking morons.)
"Shattered Glass: GI Joe"
-Snake eyes: The noble and tragic "everyman" of "GI Joe" would become the faceless and amorphous evil that dwells in the darkest corners of our minds and hearts. Instead of losing his family to an accident and being disfigured in the line of duty, evil-SE would instead kill his family for the sake of greed and be disfigured as a result of his avarice.
-Cobra Commander: The faceless demagogue who twists the American Dream to his own ends instead becomes a populist gad-fly. He chooses to pattern himself after a cobra in order to remind himself and his followers of the danger they all face, from without and within. His inspiration and humanity are a threat to the corruption the Joes are devoted to. (I am not trying to be political here.)
-Destro and Baroness: The arms dealer becomes.....a humanitarian. Destro spent his life developing more efficient methods to harvest food and energy. He was aware of the military applications for his work, but never exploited them until his hand was forced by the Joes. Now, Destro supplies Cobra Commander with the most efficient weapons possible in the hopes of ending the war more quickly. He wears a heavy iron mask to maintain a veneer of calm when confronting problems that weigh heavily upon his heart. Destro will grudgingly admit that warfare forces mankind to advance. But, he envisions a future were humanity is free to grow and thrive because the chains of poverty and hunger have been broken. The Baroness is Destro's anchor. She passionately believes in a better future, and when Desto loses heart, he fights on for her. The Baroness knows that radical measures are often necessary, but is always restrained when others could be hurt.
Cutter: The loveable and idiosyncratic Coast Guard Joe instead becomes a vagabond thug. Cutter grew up in the middle of America, and could have lived a quiet life. But, his temper, and knife, got him in trouble with the law. Fleeing his hometown with forged documents, Cutter joined the Coast Guard, where he took a "cut" of the action from local smuggling rings. He managed to extort an bribe his way onto the Joe team, where he finds new rackets to exploit.
Major Bludd: The ferocious mercenary is now a man who fights for what is right. Bludd still demands a high fee for his services. But, he donates the proceeds to charity. While Destor and Baroness focus on providing food and shelfer, Bludd wants to ensure that there is still art and literature in the world. In addition to the epic poems and elegies he composes, Bludd funds artistic communes around the world. He has one eye, but it is a keen and sensitive eye indeed. He carries the dog tags of loyal and brave friends killed by the Joes. He can never write a poem sad enough to memorialize those brave souls. (The original Major Bludd wore the dog tags or the men he killed.)
Okay, look, I could do this all day. You get the idea. This type of story only works as idiotic self-parody, intentionally or otherwise. Given the temperment and humours of the Joe fandom, I doubt the above story will ever happen. (I hope.)
Dom
-hopes Master Collector is not reading this.